I Can Make You A Man
by The Mills Apocrypha
Summary: A chance remark leaves Remus concerned about his masculinity, so he sets out to prove how tough he is. But being twarted by tables, the lynx effect and his 'friends' was not in his game plan. SBRL
1. Prologue

Remus sat quietly in the library, alone for the first time in a week and thankful for it. It was great having friends, but the voices in his head needed their share of 'Moonytime' too.

He sat and successfully finished a whole piece of homework, an achievement in itself and moved on to the next, with only a small woop of triumph and hand-dance. He took his Care of Magical Creatures book out of his bag and straightened up. As he did so he became aware of a presence at his side that a second ago had not been there. He did what any creature of the night would do and leapt out of his skin.

The presence giggled and placed a calming hand on his arm. He turned to look as he wrestled his heart back into his chest, which was putting up a pretty good fight. It was a Huffelpuff he kind of knew from prefect meetings, fifth or sixth year. She was pretty, blonde, (this was the extent to which he noticed her features) and nice (he assumed.)

Were he not having fantastic sex with the hottest thing in the school (on the _planet_) he might have been attracted to her, but such is life.

There she was...sitting there...looking at him...smiling. He was unnerved. Talking to new people was a pretty rare occurrence this late in school and he couldn't quite remember how to do it.

"Erm, hello?" That seemed to go alright. He relaxed a little.

"Hey Remus. It's Rosaline, Rosaline Windsor." She raised her eyebrows as if he really should know this. And he did know it, or had at some point, so his wide eyed look of confusion wasn't strictly necessary.

Luckily, _she_ had retained the power of speech. "Er, ok." (More or less.) "The thing is Remus, you're friends with James Potter and Sirius Black and that aren't you?"

Thank God, it wasn't about him, another beat of sweat retreated under the surface of his temple. You never knew if someone was going to produce a pitchfork and lunge at your throat with a cry of _werewolf_!

"Yes I am what can I do for you?"

"Well, you know Sirius Black?"

Remus blinked. Was this a trick question? He erred on the side of caution and nodded slowly.

"Correct me if I'm wrong but he's been single for a while now hasn't he?"

In the eyes of the school Sirius had indeed been single for two years. In fact-Shit! What if this Rose girl had figured it out! His heart made another bid for freedom but he kept his face impassive.

"Yes, yes he has as far as I know. May I ask why?" His insides were freezing over and burning up all at once. She quickly looked around and leaned in slightly. Remus followed suit, dreading her answer.

"Do you think I'd stand a chance?"

Remus laughed inwardly and looked up at her. She was looking extremely hurt and a little angry. Possibly he had laughed outwardly as well. Damn.

Well she shouldn't try it on with _his_ man should she? Still, oh bother, why must he have a conscience?

"No no no! Please I wasn't laughing at _you_!" At least he was safe, she knew nothing. He shifted to friendly nobody mode and smiled kindly at her. "Rosaline, I wasn't laughing at you I promise." He said earnestly. "The thing is Sirius hasn't really been in the right frame of mind to be in a relationship lately."

She 'Oh'ed' softly and nodded. "Yes I heard about his family, the poor thing."

"Yes and what with that and this trouble outside Hogwarts and school in general..." They were both speaking in hushed voices, as if they were discussing Sirius' impending demise.

"I completely understand." Rosaline said. "Maybe what he needs is someone to take his mind of it."

Bloody hell, the words 'dog' and 'bone' flitted through Remus' mind and he tried very hard not to roll his eyes. He was perfectly capable of taking Sirius' mind off everything thank you very much and he had expertly demonstrated this the night before. Mmm, treacle. He made sure his smile was definitely inward however and merely smiled sadly and cocked his head.

He gave a pitiful sigh. "Rosaline, I can trust you can't I? I can feel that you are a very honest, kind person." He looked into her eyes with his own beseeching, deep, swirling honey ones, holding her gaze.

"_Of course_ you can." She breathed.

"I think, now I'm not 100 sure, but I _think_ Sirius may already have someone."

Her eyes widened. "Really?"

"I think so yes." He said tragically. "James may know for sure, I couldn't say. I get the feeling it's someone he see's outside of school."

Now she was shocked. "You don't mean, he isn't seeing a _muggle_?!" She looked horrified. "No wonder he wouldn't want anyone to find out, his family would kill him!"

"They would." He went cold when he thought about what the Black's would do if they found out about the two of them. "So you see why you mustn't tell anyone."

"Of course I won't. You can trust me Remus." She smiled warmly back at him. "It's a shame though. I really thought I might be in with a chance you know?" Her smile had dropped slightly but Remus couldn't quite bring himself to reassure her. Guilt was chewing his insides. He felt like a rat and briefly wondered if this was a normal feeling for Pete but dismissed it with a shake of his head.

"I'm sorry Rosaline, but at least you know."

"No, thank you for telling me, I would have looked a right idiot when he said no wouldn't I?!" She perked up and smiled at him again. Then, to his horror she hugged him, in a _public place_, where _anyone_ could see. He stiffened, why did girls feel this need to force physical contact on him? He tilted his head up to avoid sticking his nose in her hair and winced as her hand dug into one of his wounds from the previous Tuesday.

"Oi Windsor! What do you think you're doing, molesting Lupin like that? Get your hands off him."

Both turned their heads to see Christine Morely, the tall, well-built Gryffindor keeper striding towards them, flanked by three of her dorm mates.

"You 'eard me, get off him."She yanked Rosaline off Remus by her arm and turned to him, concerned, "Is she bothering you Lupin? Are you alright?" She threw Rosaline a filthy look.

Remus stared up at her, stunned, his shock at being rescued by a girl only eclipsed by his horror at being rescued by a girl. He practically cringed in embarrassment.

The other Gryffindor's in his year all kept a subtle eye out, they were all used to him being ill and a bit pathetic looking on occasion and had probably picked up on a vibe given out by the other three Marauders, but really, how much of a threat did Rosaline Windsor look to them? She was considerably smaller and weedier than him and hell she was a girl!

He could hold his own perfectly well against other guys and had done so in the past, (so long as the odds were fair, he added to himself.) It wasn't his fault that Christine Morely was more butch than him, James and Sirius put together and felt this gave her the right to 'look after' him. The horror.

Recovering enough to locate his voice box he spluttered "Of course I'm alright! We were only talking, what are you playing at?"

Rosaline was rubbing her arm where it had been gripped by Christine and was looking completely bewildered.

Looking put out Christine drew herself up, which was an impressive sight. "You looked uncomfortable, we felt you may be in need of assistance."

Remus gaped at her. "And so you came to save me from this fearsome beast?" He indicated to the bruised but beautifully coiffured Rosaline whose bottom lip was trembling.

"I assure you that I am quite capable of conducting conversations on my own thank you without being at risk of fatal injury and I do not appreciate your interference! Now I think you owe poor Rosaline an apology." He later marvelled at how he managed to sound so formal when in such a rage, what he wanted to say was more along the lines of "_what the fuck you crazy bitch, get out my face!_" His features were on fire, he got a red nose when embarrassed. As if being a swinging werewolf wasn't enough.

Christine was also turning a beautiful rouge and it then occurred to Remus that, tough as he told himself he was, this girl could probably tear phonebooks in half and he had just made a fool out of her. With every ounce of willpower he possessed he stopped himself from cowering and waited for the hammer to fall.

"Oh you do, do you?" She said dangerously. "Well then I am sorry, so _very_ sorry for interrupting your little chat about boys and make-up and clothes." (It bothered Remus considerably that she was partly right about this.) Her voice rose. "I wouldn't _dream_ of interrupting your tea-party had I known, you great fairy!" She was booming now, everyone in the library was turning to see. "Next time Lupin, don't go asking me to save your arse ('but I didn't anyway!') Us _girls_ have more balls than you." She threw out disdainfully before turning on her heel and striding out the library taking her scowling friends with her.

Remus and Rosaline were left wondering what the hell had just happened as the rest of the library whipped around to their friends to discuss the outburst, gleeful in his embarrassment.

Remus' head flopped forward. He looked down at his worn shoes that he tried so hard to keep looking smart, their dull shine was a testament to that. As he saw the shape of his head in them he groaned. He would never live this down.

* * *

A/N  
OK so being smart isn't a uniquely feminine trait, I have an uncle who religiously cleans his shoes and another who won't leave the house without a pressed Armani shirt but you get the idea.  
This just sets the scene and shows the basis of Remus' insecurities so I thought I would include it. After this I'll get down to business.


	2. 1: Justifiable Irritation

Thank you very much to everyone who reviewed the first chapter! I was very pleasantly suprised:D  
I shall not detain you from the delectable Mr. Black any longer...

* * *

Hazy autumn sunshine was filling the dormitory of the Gryffindor seventh year boys, its rays bouncing off the swirling dust giving the whole room a golden hue. The only sound was a gentle rumble of indistinguishable voices far away. As Sirius Black lay with a slumbering werewolf in his arms and his face nestled in the soft hair of its head he thought this was probably as close to heaven as he'd ever get. He sighed in contentment and fell back asleep with a small smile on his face.

xxx

A little later Remus Lupin was lying awake gazing at the glowing air around him feeling distinctly put out. He had awoke as usual to find himself enveloped in the arms of his favourite person after spending an enjoyable Sunday afternoon in the manner many people enjoyed spending Sunday afternoons.

James, who was making commendable efforts to accept the two of them and _not _be grossed out by the very thought of his two best friends at it, had kindly suggested to Pete that they go and work on that Charms essay he was having trouble with, thus leaving Remus and Sirius alone for a few hours. They had both been relieved and grateful that things finally seemed to be getting back to something approaching normality, if such a thing existed in Marauderverse. So what was up with our Moony?

Remus' problem, or his problem for today (he frequently had problems, he was a neurotic person, a duel personality can do that to you) was the 'as usual'. It had occurred to him that he always woke up to find himself stuck tightly in Sirius' grasp, his head on Sirius' chest, being held. He never did the holding, he never awoke to find Sirius cocooned in _his_ embrace. It bothered him. He had never really noticed it before, but a remark from one of his housemates had set him thinking-_was he really just a big girl?_

**--Flashback—**

"Oi Windsor! What do you think you're doing, molesting Lupin like that? Get your hands off. You 'eard me, get off him. Is she bothering you Lupin? Are you alright?"

"Of course I'm alright! We were only talking, what are you playing at?"

"You looked uncomfortable, we felt you may be in need of assistance."

"And so you came to save me from this fearsome creature? I assure that I am quite capable of conducting conversations on my own thank you without being at risk of serious injury and I do not appreciate your interference!"

"Oh you do, do you? Sorry for interrupting your little chat about boys and make-up and clothes. I wouldn't _dream_ of interrupting your tea-party had I known, you great fairy! Next time Lupin, don't go asking me to save your arse. Us girls have more balls than you."

**--End Flashback—**

And this wasn't the only occasion people had cast aspersions over his behavioural habits, only last week..oooh, he repressed a shudder as he remembered the 'incident.'

**--Flashback—**

"Not so smart mouthed without your boyfriends around are you Lupin?"

"_Loony loopy Lupin, loony loopy Lupin_."

"Such a pretty dress, really brings out the colour of your eyes."

"We thought you would appreciate some new clothes for a change Lupin, where's your gratitude?"

(grunt)

"Let him speak Severus, I want him to thank us properly."

"Unhand me you cowardly snakes! I-"

"_Silencio_, didn't your mudblood mother teach you to respect your betters? Perhaps we should make an example of you."

**--End Flashback—**

Now he thought about it the general impression he conveyed did seem to sway more towards the feminine (or Remus' notions of femininity.) He tended to get nervous around crowds and was rather oversensitive concerning his friend's behaviour, even after all these years. He took care of his appearance, he did the best he could with a body littered with scars and he always made sure his hair and clothes were neat. He organised everything, efficiently ordering his notes and colour coordinating his timetable.

He also supposed (this thought in particular was making him cringe at the moment) that in his relationship with Sirius he certainly wouldn't be considered to wear the trousers. They weren't unequal physically but Remus thought ...emotionally (another wince, the big girl) he invested more in it. He got jealous when females fawned over Sirius, he got annoyed when Sirius got detention when they were supposed to go to Hogsmeade together and the one time they had held hands, in the Honeydukes tunnel, Remus had initiated it and felt gloriously, sickeningly gooey in doing so.

This couldn't go on, something had to be done.

"Sirius" He whispered loudly, poking him in the chest. "_Sirius_." Still no movement. Sighing in exasperation he pulled himself out of the warm embrace, sat above Sirius and pinched his nose together.

For a second there was no change but then the breath hitched, discovered its entry was blocked and ended in a snort-cum-splutter and the eyes snapped open. "Erpfluf gah! What the hell Moony?"

"Padfoot do you think I'm manly?"

The word 'guffaw' would be an accurate description of what Sirius did in response to that.

"Well considering what you just let me do to you I would say not." He licked his lips and bared his teeth at Remus. "And the way you scre-."

Remus put on his stern, prefect face. "Sirius please I'm being serious."

"Course you are Moony moon" He said between kissy lips. Remus frowned. "You're my big, butch, testosterone-fuelled, hardcore badass...who happens to like Jane Austen and woolly hats." He ruffled Remus' hair playfully but had his hand pushed away by an increasingly irate Remus.

"_No_ Sirius" he said earnestly, "tell me the truth, am I overly feminine?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Wha-well no, no I wouldn't say so. I mean, you can be a little sensitive at times and you are kind of quiet and shy and you do have a crease down your trousers but it doesn't mean you're girly, just that you, well you know."

Remus raised an eyebrow "No, tell me."

"Ugh, why do you want to know so bad? You've never mentioned this before."

Remus muttered something incomprehensible.

"Eh? What was that?"

"Christine Morely said I was a fairy, after she 'came to my rescue' when a girl hugged me," He looked away in shame, "she thought I needed help." Sirius stared at him for a second then burst out laughing, clutching his stomach and rolling around the bed.

"Oh Moony" he managed to get out before collapsing back into his incoherent shrieks of mirth.

Remus raised his eyes to the heavens praying to God to give him patience and not tear the throat out of the bastard in front of him. There was a sock dangling from the canopy, he blinked and looked back down.

"Oh shut up!" He shouted, feeling a little hurt-no, not hurt, _justifiably irritated_ at the reception his anxiety was receiving. He snapped and pushed the writhing idiot off the bed getting a sense of grim satisfaction as he heard the loud thump, the sound of a body hitting the deck. He hated being laughed at.

"OW MOONY! For fucks sake that was a bit uncalled for!"

"Well stop laughing at me then. You never did answer my question." Remus was most definitely in a huff now.

"Well when you go all pissy like this what do you expect me to say, you'll be hitting me with your handbag next."

"Well this just proves it doesn't it! Merlin, I'm nothing but a big girls blouse, a fricking pansy. AARGH! I may as well buy a dress and change my name to Tinkerbelle." He buried his face in his hands.

Sirius was still sprawled on the floor completely bewildered as to how this turn of events had come about. One minute he was snuggling a snuggable werewolf, perfectly happy, the next he was struggling to extract himself from some bed sheets that said werewolf had pitched off the bed along with him. _And_ he could feel a bruise coming up at the base of his spine. Pads would _not_ be wagging his tail tonight.

But there was no point winding Remus up any further, it kind of lost its appeal when he just sat and despaired rather than freaking out and running around waving his arms shrieking at the top of his voice.

"Look Moony," he started, hoisting himself onto his knees somewhat stiffly, "I don't really think you're too feminine honest. Aww, don't get upset now, look you'll mess up your hair. _Oof_."

Ok so maybe it hadn't lost _all_ its appeal and it was sooo worth a punch in the face.

"Sod you Sirius! I'm just as tough as you or James or-or Matthew Wood even! (Sirius highly doubted this, the guy was built like a brick shit house)And I'll prove it to you, you see if I don't! It's time Remus John Lupin showed this school just what he's made of!" And with that he marched into the bathroom and slammed the door behind him, checking it was closed before running to the mirror to check his hair wasn't _too_ messed up.

* * *

A/N  
Hope everyone made it past the sickening fluff at the beginning!

Peter doesn't know about them because I agree with something 'mysid' said in one of her fics, he would have mentioned it in the shack when he was trying to convince Remus Sirius was the death-eater. And they keep it quiet from the rest of the school because I don't think it would have been well received in the 70's.

Disclaimer: HP isn't mine, and the line "Unhand me you cowardly snakes!" is Wheezy's and Wheezy's alone!


	3. 2: Who needs enemies?

Thank you so much to everyone that reviewed! They lift the spirit and the corners of the mouth:D (--Like that)

* * *

As James walked along the corridor leading to the portrait hole he ran over the excuses in his head he had formed for herding Peter back downstairs away from the dorms if _those two_ were still being filthy. He repressed a shudder, just because he was a kind, understanding person didn't mean the thought didn't creep him out.

He was interrupted out of his reverie by Peter who was looking up at him with concern. "James, anybody there?"

James gave a twitch as his mind re-entered his body and he focused on his friend. "Huh? Oh yeah, I'm here, right now. What?"

"You were off in your own little world there" he laughed, pulling James along by his cuff up to the portrait hole, as the general moving principle seemed to be evading him. "Curlywurly."

They climbed through the portrait hole into the packed Gryffindor common room. Now in control of his assets James grabbed Peter before he made his way up to the dorms. "Waitwaitwait. Don't go up there."

Peter looked suspicious. "Why?" He asked slowly, thinking something was afoot and he was being kept out the loop.

For all his pondering James hadn't got as far as settling on a reason. "Well, er, you see they umm, aaare making a stinking solution!" He lowered his voice conspiratorially. "Yeah, you know in preparation for the next time we need to seek revenge against the green filth."

"So why aren't we involved?"

"Well, I'm head boy now aren't I? I can't be seen to be involved in illicit affairs, I mean what if Lily walked in?"

"So why am_ I_ not involved?"

Dash it all. "You're keeping me company, in my time of torment, knowing that illicitness is going on and I cannot be part of it." He put a hand over his aching heart.

Peter was not convinced. "So why wasn't I told all this was going on?"

"Because then you wouldn't have come with me, you'd have wanted to stay with them and I wanted you with me!" James' voice had taken on a pleading edge, he was practically batting his eyelashes at the guy. However this did seem to mollify Peter a bit and he decided not to challenge James about it further.

"We better go and see how they're getting on then!" Peter exclaimed excitedly. There wasn't nearly so much troublemaking nowadays and he missed it.

"NO!" James shouted, lunging at Peter, missing, and slapping a second year in the face.

"What the fuck Prongs?" Peter was getting alarmed. The second year had frozen in horror, hand halfway to face.

"Look if you go up there, you'll get the steam on your clothes and in your hair, you'll never get it out and you know, you'll, you'll smell." He nodded his head solemnly.

"Yeah and? Nowadays people have devised systems of _washing_ clothes and this, believe it or not Prongs gets them _clean_. Honestly I dunno what's got into you tonight."

James cursed under his breath, damn rat with a damn answer for every damn thing. Desperate times called for desperate measures... "Ok, Wormtail it's like this. You know Jessie Taylor? Blonde one by the fire, _don't look!_ Well I heard her saying she had a thing for you and, you know," he nudged him and gave a roguish wink, "you should go for it, without Pads around to take the piss and distract you."

It wasn't a total lie, he had once overheard on an undercover mission (under the cover of cloak) that Jessie would rather Pete than Remus, it was about 2 years ago but still, it seemed to finally do the trick.

"Really? Wow, I mean, Jessie's pretty hot. Do you think I should go talk to her?" James nodded eagerly and Peter smoothed his hair down and sauntered off towards her.

Heaving a sigh of relief James bounded up the stairs before Pete could turn round and carry on twenty questions.

As he cautiously entered the room with his eyes clamped shut and hand held over them for good measure he whispered loudly "Is it safe?"

"It's safe."

"Ah, by the way, when Wormtail comes up you two were making a stinking solution for a new prank." James said as grinning, he uncovered his eyes from their confinement. The grin slipped off his face quicker than hot butter as he looked at his friend, sitting on the floor beside his bed, bare-chested and imprisoned by a sheet. "Er, what the hell?"

Sirius gave a great huff and flung his arms in the air. "Moony. As usual."

James sighed. "What have you done?"

"Me?!" He screeched, "Why do you assume I've done something? I didn't do anything! He rudely awoke me and started asking these queer-arsed questions, to which I gave perfectly valid answers, he pushed me off the bed, punched me in the face (he brandished his swelling eye and received an approving nod in return) and marched off to the bathroom. Haven't seen him since!"

James crossed the room and sat on his bed, next to Sirius'. "Weird, that is a bit of an extreme reaction. What was he asking you about?"

"Oh I don't know something about being a Tinkerbelle or a southern pansy or something. He thinks he's a girl. That's it."

James' eyes widened in realisation, "Oooh. Yeah I might know what that was about." Sirius frowned. James looked as if he was trying to stifle a snigger. "Well I happened upon him-"

"You did what? Talk properly man, your mother's not here now."

"Tut, shut up, _any_way I happened to find him yesterday, you know when we came back from quidditch and I stayed behind after you two 'cos I needed-"

"_Will_ you get to the damn point?" Sirius cried in exasperation.

"_Yes_ and I found him with a group of snakes and they had petrified him and were hovering him along the corridor."

Sirius' face had closed and he sat very still. James faltered slightly as he continued. "And they had, erm, well they had sort of, you know, transfigured his clothes so he was wearing err, (mumble.)

"What?" Sirius asked sharply.

"A dress, a bit like the one McGonagall wore last Christmas, you know? Tartan with the-" He broke off at the snarl his friend had let out.

"Those fucking bastards. I'll kill them!" The Marauder's may rip the piss out of Remus from time to time, it was good for him, kept him sharp, blunted his sensitivities a bit, all very healthy, but that sure as hell didn't give anyone else the right to do it too. This was a totally different ball game and Sirius wasn't going to stand for it. "Prongs, I can't believe you never told me about this! What you playing at?"

"Moony asked me, _begged_ me not to, he knew you'd fly off the handle and vow revenge and he didn't want to make things worse. Plus, I mean it was pretty embarrassing for him, I think he wanted to forget about it. I sent them off with a sting and I don't think anyone else even saw. Now _don't_ look at me like that, I promised him and actually I agree with him, you do get too worked up over things."

Sirius was spluttering with rage and indignation. _"Too worked up?"_ He managed to choke out, before dropping his voice dangerously. "And how would you feel eh? If you were with Lily and you found out some wanker had hurt her? Humiliated her? Would you stand by and let them get away with it? Like hell you would."

James eyed him uneasily. What Sirius said was quite true, anyone hurt his Lily (and he was pretty sure he had the monopoly over Miss Evans) and he would knock the seven shades of hell out of them. He sighed. "Alright I get your point. But I can't be involved in anything you do Pads, I'm sorry but I've got to make a vague attempt to toe the line this year and helping you skin Slytherins alive doesn't fall into that category. But I won't let on to Moony what you're doing if you don't tell him I told you what happened. Deal?" He held out his hand, Sirius looked up at him, scowling but complied.

"Deal." They shook hands.

"What's a deal?" Peter panted as he careered into the dorms out of breath. "And by the way Prongs for the record matchmaking is something you can add to your list of 'Things the wondrous, impossible, mind-blowing God of all Potter cannot do and are therefore declared not worth doing in the first place.'"

"Pff, Wormtail my friend you know very well that list no longer exists as it has been proved there is nothing I cannot do, there are simply things I choose not to do, such as becoming so completely removed from the human race I resemble Snivellus." All three shuddered.

"Jessie Taylor just snorted in my face and told me to go do something inappropriate and I'm sure physically impossible to myself (Sirius' ears perked up, he loved a challenge) before her boyfriend came over and chased me up the stairs."

"Ah. Well yes there is a lesson in this my dear rodent, don't believe everything you hear."

"_You_ told me!"

"Yes, well it was a test see? And what have we learned?"

"That you're a prick."

"Well! If you're going to be personal!"

"Where is this potion anyway? I smell no stink. I see no steam. Where is the apparatus?"

Sirius, who had been watching the exchanges rather like one would a tennis match said nothing but pushed aside a sheet to reveal an assortment of vials, bowls, questionable packets filled with questionable plant life and stands under the bed. "We had already finished and packed it away by the time you came up Wormtail. Moony got a bit saturated by the fumes so he's trying to wash it off. I am particularly good at dispelling foul stenches though I say so myself so I de-stenched the room. You have to be you know, living with Prongs for six years."

"Hey!"

"You stink. Get over it."

James shrugged; he was right, why bother washing your pants unless you could actually see the dirt on them? He was merely saving the house-elves extra work.

Peter rubbed his hands together gleefully. "Sooo what's the plan Mr. Padfoot Sir?

"GAH!" James rammed his fingers in his ears and trilled "lalalalalalala" at the top of his voice. Peter looked at him and then back at Sirius.

"Is this one of his subtle hints that we cannot discuss this in his hearing?"

Sirius regarded his friend for a moment. "I hope so."

* * *

They turned their attention to the bathroom door as it clicked open and Remus emerged looking far more composed than when he had entered.

"You alright now Moony?" Sirius asked carefully. Remus looked over to him and saw his swelling eye. His internal organs twisted together in guilt. He made towards Sirius with his hand out, words of apology and concern on his lips but was interrupted by Peter.

"Did you get the smell out then Moony?" Remus looked from him back to Sirius, confused. Sirius raised his eyebrows and slid his wand off the bedside table, while Peter waited for Remus' reply.

Remus stopped and, eyeing the wand started backing away. What the hell had Sirius got him into now? God he must have been a taxman in his past life to deserve Sirius Black. His internal organs resolutely settled back and he prepared to be very, very peeved.

He felt a slight tingling sensation cover his body as the murmured spell hit him. Next thing he knew he was choking as a horrific smell hit his senses. He lifted his hand to cover his nose and yanked it back as the smell worsened. What the-? _Oh no!_ He gave Sirius a death glare.

Sirius, sensing trouble extracted himself from the sheets and stood up. The other three screamed and covered their eyes. Sirius was naked as the day he was born. It took Remus a second to realise the pointlessness of covering his own eyes and allowed himself an admiring peek before flapping in disgust with the other two.

Sirius rolled his eyes and waggled at Remus, (who for a second didn't even register the reek of his skin) before delving down to pick up his boxers.

Once he was safely covered the other two opened their eyes again. (Remus secretly thought Peter's over exaggerated yells of 'disgust' spoke volumes, as did the way he just ran his eyes over _his_ hot dog's body.)

He held in check his treacherous 'feelings' intent on projecting pride, smugness and _fuzziness_ at that fact he _was_ his and reminded himself that he was angry at Sirius, even if he wasn't quite sure why yet.

As Remus continued his eternal battle with the two opposing sides of his brain Peter was asking just _why_ Sirius was naked.

"I took my clothes off to clean them and hadn't had chance to get dressed again when Prongs came in. So... I just sat down." Even Remus thought that was a pretty poor excuse, especially from the master.

"Sirius?" Remus' voice was light but Sirius almost winced at the steel in it.

"Moony! You poor stinking thing. It's ok, Wormtail knows about the stinking solution. And about how you went in the shower to get it off you, which clearly didn't work. And about-"

Remus interrupted him. "So I smell."

"Actually you reek like a fish market." James added helpfully.

Remus let out a tiny yell of frustration. "I don't need this right now! Why do you lot have to make life so difficult!" How the hell was he supposed to reassert his masculinity in the eyes of the student body when at every turn he was thwarted by his idiot friends and their crazy schemes which inevitably led to him looking like a total noob?! He yanked at his shirt collar and stuck his nose down it. It made him gag.

He resurfaced looking a little green. "Make me smell nice!" He shouted desperately at the three of them.

James snorted, "Like flowers, strawberries and fresh clothes? Personally I love the smell of jasmine." He grinned widely.

"No! I got an idea!" Peter jumped up and stuck his head in his trunk.

He emerged presently with a cylindrical object. "My cousin gave me this, you know Mark, the muggle? He said all the muggle guys wear it and girls love it!"

Remus looked at the object suspiciously. "What is it?"

"Well, its deodorant but it smells pretty strong. Here." He sprayed it in Remus' face.

Remus coughed and spat."Pete! Careful!"

Peter had the good grace to look embarrassed. "Sorry, but you see my point. It should cover up most of your stench." He curled his mouth around the word.

Remus took the can off him and inspected it. He sprayed it experimentally on his clothes and took a whiff. He coughed again but only smelt the spray. He looked back up at Peter. "And the girls love it you say?" He said raising an eyebrow, deliberately not looking at Sirius.

Peter nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah they do, put loads on, that's how the muggle's do it."

Remus obliged and smothered himself in the stuff. He was still having a little trouble breathing but decided it would be worth it. After he had finished puncturing a hole in the ozone layer he handed it back to Peter.

"Thanks, think I'll have some too as its out." He proceeded to cover himself as Remus had done and held out the can to James and Sirius, "Want some?"

They both wrinkled their noses and shook their heads.

"No thanks mate, I reckon our natural musk is more than enough to send the ladies into a lust-filled frenzy." James said, ramming his nose into his arm and having a good sniff. "Aaaaah, eau de quidditch."

"Ugh." Sirius took a step away from James. "As if you lot manage to make _me_ look normal."

"Come on then Mr. Moony. Let us go try out our secret weapon on the unsuspecting ladies of Hogwarts!" Peter winked at Remus, who would bet everything he owned that Sirius was making his 'bitch please' face behind him.

Peter clapped him on the back and led him towards the door. The other two followed, Sirius grabbing his trousers from James' bedpost as he went.

xxx

Five minutes later saw Peter Pettigrew and Remus Lupin running up the stairs, three at a time, away from the chokes and gasps emanating from the Gryffindor common room. Their eyes were streaming as the bundled into the dorm dragging off their clothes as they went and throwing them out for the wash.

"I...think next...time p'raps...not...so much." Peter spluttered as he disappeared into the shower.

Remus heartily agreed as he picked up his sponge and set about removing several layers of contaminated skin.

* * *

A/N  
This is a bridging chapter really (-_not_ filler :p) I wanted to introduce James and Peter but it got epic. The whole plot business gets underway next, promise.


	4. 3:Stand Aside Daniel Boone

Thank you's to all you lovely reviewers! Have a jaffa cake on me!

* * *

Remus studied his face in the mirror, pulling at his cheek and turning his head from side to side. He raised his eyebrows then gave the mirror a smouldering look.

This morning he had done something he had never done before. He left one of his scars uncovered. It was his most recent, an angry red line running down the right side of his face. It had missed his eye by millimetres. The others were all safely concealed as usual. The concealment had become part of his morning ritual so long ago he barely even registered doing it now.

The other Marauder's always pretended they were jealous of his scars to make him feel better, saying they made him look tough and girls love bad boys. James had said he thought that auror Moody had nothing on him. Remus knew they were only saying that but he didn't mind, it was nice of them to try. Now though, he thought the banes of his life might finally work to his advantage.

He stepped back to take in his entire appearance. He hadn't shaved that morning and his chin was covered in a thin but noticeable stubble. His shirt was partially untucked, top button undone and sleeves rolled up. His trousers were the ones he had on last week, minus the crease and his shoes were slightly scuffed (courtesy of his bedpost.) He ran a hand through his hair like he had seen James do a million times so it looked windswept and pulled his tie down. He looked a mess. He looked like a man should look. He grinned smugly at himself and turned and walked down to breakfast.

As he approached the Great Hall he slowed and fell into a swagger rather than his usual brisk walk. He adopted Sirius' best arrogant pure-blood look, dragged his hand through his hair once more, rammed his hands into his pockets and sauntered into the hall.

The whole room did not fall silent and no blushing damsels fell into a swoon as he had hoped but a few people did eye him curiously as he moved down the benches, as if they recognised him but couldn't quite place him. When he got to his fellow Gryffindors however, he finally got the reaction he desired.

James' fork stopped halfway to his mouth and a piece of bacon fell gracefully from it into his pumpkin juice, Peter gaped at him and shrank back as if terrified he might explode, Sirius' mouth dropped open and for a second he held the same expression as Peter. He gathered his wits somewhat faster however and looked Remus up and down appraisingly before wolf whistling.

"Looking HOT today Moony! _Growl_."

Remus stuck his nose in the air and ignored him and sat down between Peter and Marlene. The girls had also noticed the change in him it seemed and were all staring intently at his face. Lily was the first to speak.

"Remus, yo-your face. What happened?" He eyes were wide and pitying. The others let out gasps as they saw his livid wound and the boys all went rather white.

Sirius kicked him under the table and Remus turned to scowl at him but before either could speak Remus felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned to look into the perfectly framed eyes of Jacqueline Mandelson, a Ravenclaw sixth year, a stunner.

"Remus, we saw your face." She said in a hushed voice and indicated to a couple of friends behind her. "What happened to you? Did you get into a fight, are you very hurt?" Her eyes darted over his torso as if trying to see through his shirt for other injuries. Remus noticed and fought back a blush, arranging his face into a bored look.

"Oh, yeah, this." He said offhandedly and shrugged. "I got it in the forest last night." (He dropped his voice slightly; he didn't want to risk detention for an invented crime. Sirius could boast about _his_ exploits as loud as he liked, _he_ wasn't a prefect.)

A few muffled gasps went up at that, he now had quite an audience; the Hufflepuff's on the table behind had also swivelled round to listen. They were all gazing at him and hanging onto his every word.

"Yeah, I ran into this centaur. A big male about yea high." He gestured to a point some six feet over his head. "And it started berating me about how I shouldn't be in there, their land etc. So I said to it, I said 'look, I've got business to do in here and I'd appreciate it if you'd let me get on with it. I don't want any trouble." His listeners looked suitably impressed.

James, Sirius and Peter looked at each other sceptically. As the only others who had had dealings with centaurs they knew damn well Remus would never have the stones, or the stupidity to talk to one like that. They also knew that he tended to tremble like a baby leaf whenever he knew they were close and usually tried to run away (in both his bodies.)

"But he was having none of it and tried to bar my path." A member of the audience gasped. Remus gave her a serious look. "I know, it _was_ pretty scary, but what else could I do? I asked it to move but it stayed put. I was getting pretty annoyed by this point I can tell you. So I said to it, dead calmly, 'move out of my way and no one need get hurt.'"

There was a very audible snort from the direction of his friends. He chose to ignore it and turned back to his rapt audience.

"When it still didn't move I said to it, 'I didn't want to have to do this but you leave me no choice.' And I went to draw my wand but it reared up (a collective intake of breath) and kicked out, striking me on the face!" He craned his neck round as far as it would go, giving everyone a good view of his 'battle scar.' He was getting into the swing of it now.

"Then!" His hands were out now, moving energetically along with his words. "Then as it went to hit me with it's fist I blocked the arm and threw a punch of my own, (demonstration, knocking over Peter's drink) getting it in the face (the one six foot above his head) and it fell back."

An 'ooooh' went up around him and the other three rolled their eyes but Remus-the-brave was off and running.

"This gave me time to retrieve my wand. Centaurs can't use magic like us of course so it had a fearful look in it's eye as it saw I was once again fully armed. It stepped back and said to me 'I no longer wish to fight you, for I see you have great strength that I cannot hope to match.' (His friends were now laughing into their plates.) It stepped aside and I went on my way."

There was applause and a couple of squeals as he finished his tale and Jacqueline reached up to touch his face, by the scar. "You were so _brave_, it must have hurt so much."

Her breath was drying the moisture on his lips.

Trying to avoid her eyes Remus stuck his nose in the air again and shook his head. "It's just a scratch." He gave a contemptible sniff.

There was a burst of chatter as others joined in telling him how brave and strong he was. Jacqueline still had her hand on his face.

Remus glowed, usually he hated being the centre of attention, choosing to lurk in the shadows whilst his friends soaked up the lime light, but this was great! No one would question his masculinty once he was known as the man-who-defeated-the-giant-centaur. (If he thought he could have got away with it he'd have said dragon.)

_Christine Morely_ hadn't fought in hand to hand combat with a centaur.

Remus' self-satisfied fog was broken by a very familiar voice. "Oi bitch, piss off! He'll get infected with you groping him like that." Jacqueline snapped her hand away and whirled to face Sirius, who was looking murderous.

"Shut it Black. Getting to you is it? Having someone else the centre of attention for a change?"

James grabbed Sirius' robes as he tried to rise out of his seat. "Sit down you idiot." He hissed.

Then Arnold Fairfield sitting on Sirius' right said to his companion "Doesn't look much like a hoof mark to me, looks more like a claw scratch."

James and Sirius looked at each other. Dangerous territory. "I think it's time for your little show." James muttered to Sirius, before standing up and calling for Lily.

"Lily! We need to have a look at those prefect rotas, the Hufflepuffs want to switch seeing as they have quidditch practice this Thursday."

"Oh, sure." She looked a little puzzled but agreed and followed him out the Great Hall.

Sirius waited until they had disappeared then gave Peter a look and giving the teachers table the merest half-glance ascertained they were not being watched. Peter turned round, directed his wand and muttered a spell. Then he whipped back round to face Sirius.

The Slytherin table glowed ominously for a moment and the chatter died. Then it creaked and shook itself.

Jugs, plates and cutlery went skidding across it and the students screamed and tried to leap away from the benches. In the rush legs got tangled and clothes got pulled, within 5 seconds there were heaps of Slytherin's surrounding the table all attempting to extract themselves as it pawed the ground with one of it's legs.

It got more frisky and reared up a little on two legs sending more crockery sliding off. The scramble gained intensity. Then the whole school watched as, as if in slow motion the table raised it's back legs and _bucked_, sending everything on it flying into the air in a graceful arc to rain down on the screaming students below.

The teachers were rushing to the scene and Minerva McGonagall shot a spell at the table to send it back to its inanimate state.

Unseen by all a large coffee pot had made its way to the air space above the heads of Snape and Mulciber, then, as if it had been charmed, upturned in mid air and emptied its scalding contents onto the heads below. The shrieks of pain sent up pierced the hubbub as two certain young men avoided each other's eyes.

Somewhere in the middle of the din Professor McGonagall was heard to yell "BLACKPOTTERPETTIGREWLUPIN STAY WHERE YOU ARE!"

The three remaining Marauders froze halfway to the door. Remus turned to the other two furiously. "You two! This has _nothing_ to do with me!" Sirius ignored him and absentmindedly cleaned a puddle of juice off the floor.

McGonagall was striding towards them, fury etched into every line of her face. "What on _earth_ possessed you? Just look at what you have done! I would have thought you would have grown out of causing such mindless disruption by now! And where is Potter?"

"James left to have a talk with Lily earlier professor." Peter dutifully informed the raging teacher.

Remus jumped in front of his friends. "And I assure you professor _I_ had nothing to do with this, I had no idea they were planning anything or else you may rest assured I would have stopped them."

"Is that so Mr. Lupin?" She replied icily, not believing a word of it. Lupin had never been able to stop Black and Potter doing exactly what they pleased any more than the rest of them could.

"All this is immaterial." Came a drawl from behind both boys. Remus and Peter both turned to look at Sirius as he stood with his arms crossed, leaning against a chair. He gave them all a look as if to say they should feel honoured by his mere presence. "We had nothing to do with this." He waved an elegant hand in the vague direction of the pandemonium.

"Somehow Mr. Black I find that very hard to believe. Give me your wand and you Lupin."

They both handed them over and she cast _Priori Incantatem_. Remus' concealment charm erupted out of his wand while Sirius' thankless attempt at cleaning up the floor emerged out of his.

McGonagall pursed her lips. "Pettigrew!" Her hand darted out and she looked at him, waiting for his wand.

He went wide eyed and gaped at her. "Umm, er, no, I er left it in the dorm."

Sirius closed his eyes, he knew all was lost.

"Mr Pettigrew what is that sticking out of your pocket?"

"Oh, what this? This is just an old stick I f-found." He tried to look innocent and failed miserably, due in part to the fact he was sweating profusely.

"Your wand please Mr. Pettigrew." She said dangerously.

Peter's shoulders slumped and he handed it over with an apologetic look to Sirius. The transfiguration spell was revealed and the teacher's eyes shone in triumph. "Two weeks detention!" She snapped.

Professor Slughorn ambled up to them. "Found the culprits eh Minerva? Should have guessed it would be you lot." He chuckled to himself. "Hope you're giving them sufficient punishment." He gave her a pointed look.

"Thank you Horace I am perfectly capable of dealing with students from my own house." Her jaw had set however and she looked back to the waiting Marauder's. "And 100 points from Gryffindor. I am disgusted with all of you." The look she gave them was venomous and they each shrank back a little. She ordered them to get to class and out of her sight.

Peter jogged alongside Sirius as he strode from the hall, "I'm sorry Sirius, I didn't think to cover my tracks."

"Don't worry, it could be worse."

"COULD BE WORSE? ARE YOU CRAZY? We have lost 100 points! We'll have bloody bounty hunters after our skins for this! And two weeks detention! I WASN'T EVEN INVOLVED! Why didn't you tell her? You pair of selfish bastards!" Sirius placed a hand on Remus' back as he heaved with rage.

James appeared out of thin air in front of them. "So chaps, how was breakfast?" He asked brightly.

"I should have guessed you were in on this." Remus spat.

James looked mortified. "Mr. Moony I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about. By the way you have some scrambled egg in your hair."

"GAH! Get it out!" Remus thrust his head under Sirius' nose. Sirius backed up slightly and peered down his nose at the offending egg, before delicately flicking it off.

"There you go Moony, all gone, beautiful as ever." He smoothed down Remus' hair and smirked. Remus ducked away and promptly messed up his hair again. James felt a touch of pride.

Peter was rather bemused, "Merlin Pads you can be so gay sometimes."

"Wormtail my friend you have no idea." He blew a kiss at him. James gave Sirius a quick look.

Peter tutted and shook his head. "Come let's get to class, before we give Moony a heart attack." He turned away towards their first class with James and disappeared down towards the dungeons. The other two lagged behind.

"Sorry about landing you in detention Moons." Sirius bumped him with his elbow and leaned down to whisper seductively in his ear. "I promise I'll make it up to you."

Remus ignored the shiver caused by the hot breath tickling his ear and stopped, causing the rushing students to skirt round him. He looked Sirius square in the eye. "Why did you do it Sirius? McGonagall's right you're too old to prank people like this now."

"They deserved it." He said simply.

Remus looked at him suspiciously. "Why? Have you been talking to Prongs?"

Sirius looked confused, "Prongs? No, why?"

Remus looked down and shook his head, visibly deflating. "Nothing, it doesn't matter."

"Is it about your run in with the Snake's the other day?" Sirius tilted his head to the side to catch Remus' downward gaze.

"Wood overheard them talking about it yesterday." He answered Remus' unasked question. The corridor had emptied now and they were the only ones there.

Sirius gripped Remus' shoulder. "Moony I couldn't let them get away with doing that to you. They needed teaching a lesson."

Remus pulled away from him. "No, Sirius they didn't, at least not by you. Now you've only gone and made things worse. You _know_ they'll plan a retaliation now. This is why I didn't want you to find out in the first place." He felt tired all of a sudden and ran his hand through his hair again.

"I only did it for you." Sirius was making valiant attempts to look offended more than anything else.

Remus sighed. Making sure he couldn't hear anyone coming he moved towards Sirius, placed one hand on his face and one on his side and pulled him closer.

"Sirius I get why you did it, really I do, but you have _got_ to stop protecting me and fighting my battles for me. I can look after myself alright? This is precisely the point I was trying to make yesterday. The Slytherin's see you guys shielding me and presume I can't handle myself and go out of their way to target me. Just let me deal with it and we'll all be better off ok?" He held Sirius' chin down slightly so their eyes were level. "_OK?_"

Sirius shrugged. "Ok."

Remus gave a crooked smile and kissed him once on the lips, still keeping an ear out. "You want to nip into Hogsmeade tomorrow before detention for a bit?"

Sirius brightened up, "Oh yes! I need some more stink pellets and I'm running low on my emergency stash of booze."

"Why can't you just drink mead or firewhiskey like the rest of us, you snob?" Remus sighed.

Sirius looked deeply affronted "I, Sirius Black, allow such filth to contaminate this temple you know as my body? I should say not you peasant! Nothing short of the finest wines available to humanity shall suffice."

Remus couldn't help but laugh "You idiot. I'll see you later." With that they split their separate ways, Sirius down to Potions with the other two while Remus moved towards the stairs for Ancient Runes.

As he climbed the moving staircase Remus inwardly cursed himself and his inability to stay mad at Sirius for any length of time. He was perfectly within his rights to be annoyed, mad at him even after the morning's events, yet one look into those swirling grey eyes and he went all kittens and rainbows. Damn it Remus! He kicked the step he was on and nearly fell off it as it let out a yell of pain in return.

* * *

A/N  
I've shot myself in the foot slightly, he wasn't supposed to forgive Sirius so easily but I couldn't stay mad at him and I was craving fluff.

Reviewers get to help Moony alleviate some of his frustration in any manner they deem necessary!


	5. 4:Over Compensating

Apologies for the delay in posting my laptop has been broken for about three weeks and I had to get a new one. Well, actually my friends old one. This was done rather hurriedly so the quality may be a bit poor but I wanted to get it out. Blame car crashes, thwarted attempts at marrying handsome princes, crazy coincidences and ineffective manipulation of karma.

But on with the tale!

* * *

Ten minutes into double Ancient Runes Remus had successfully worked himself into a tither. Annoyed at himself for being a big softy and annoyed at the others for a whole number of reasons (which was nothing unusual) he had now broken his quill tip as he took out his aggravation on his notes.

He ground his teeth as he regarded the traitorous quill, before flinging it on his desk contemptibly and pushing it away out of his sight with a pained expression.

Of course he now had no way of doing his notes.

He nudged Marlene who sat next to him. "Psst, Marley, have you got a spare quill I can borrow?"

"No sorry, I've only got this one, ask Matt." She whispered back to him.

He looked over to the table next to theirs. Matthew Wood and his fellow Hufflepuff chaser Archie MacMillan were both powerfully built and excellent players. They were also a few rungs up the social ladder from him. At the moment they were immersed in something on their desk. It might well have been their work, but Remus knew them of old and was doubtful.

He cast his eye up to the front of the class where Professor Barnes was marking their homework. He was very old, short sighted and a little hard of hearing but had a dreadful temper if he caught you disobeying him. Making sure the teacher was safely engrossed in his work Remus leaned over and poked Wood.

"Hey, do you have a spare quill I could borrow?" Wood looked around at him, revealing a quidditch magazine open on the desk.

"No sorry mate." Archie also shook his head in answer.

"But you're not even working!" Remus hissed at them. They both looked highly affronted and Wood leaned over, using the same loud whisper.

"Not that it's any of your business _Lupin_ but we happen to be working extremely hard. How are we supposed to know who to bet on in next weeks' Kestrels v Falcons match if we don't work out the odds?"

Remus scoffed. "I can tell you that, no way will the Falcons beat the Kestrels not after that loss against Pride of Portree last weekend."

Archie leaned over Matthew's arm towards Remus. "Ah but don't forget the Falcons have got Morgan back again, he's a brilliant keeper."

"The Kestrels will still win."

"I didn't know you were into quidditch Lupin." Wood was looking at him with interest. "Who do you support?"

"Wasps"

"Haha, my brother supports them, I'm an Arrows man myself."

Remus winced, the two were famous rivals.

"Yep, I got my nephew Oliver an Arrows strip for his first birthday, my brother was _not_ impressed."

The three of them laughed. "Silence!" Came a reedy voice from the front of the class. Professor Barnes was peering over his glasses at them frowning. The three ducked down and resumed looking at their 'work.' After a couple of minutes Remus heard his name being muttered. He turned his head to see what Wood wanted.

"Some of us are having a throw around after school tomorrow, not official teams or anything, just us and some friends. You wanna join us? I don't know if you play at all, I know you're not on the team."

Remus was shocked, nobody had ever tried to include him in anything before except the Marauder's. And now two of the _toughest guys in school_ were giving him permission to hang out with them! Being tough! His delight showed in his voice as he answered "I'd be-" he coughed and dropped his voice an octave or two "I mean yeah sure, I might look in on you." He went back to staring at his incomplete notes with his mind buzzing.

When the bell went and the class scrambled to get out the door Remus was the last to leave. He rarely rushed when he was on his own and liked to take his time putting his things in bag nice and orderly. He was just making sure all his books were completely lined up when Wood stuck his head through the door.

"You coming Lupin?"

Remus looked up, confused. "Huh?"

"We're off into Hogsmeade in the free, come with and I'll show you the new broom they got in Quality Quidditch Supplies."

Remus didn't have a free now, Remus had Care of Magical Creatures with his friends, his friends who would worry when he didn't turn up, when he didn't turn up because he was going to the place he had arranged to go with Sirius the following evening, the following evening he had said he would join these guys in quidditch, quidditch that-

He shook himself very hard mentally, causing serious brain damage in the process which led to...

"Cool, lead the way."

He walked along with Matthew and Archie with a slight swagger, his damaged brain feeling very pleased with itself. Breaking the rules with these two was way more badass than doing it with the Marauders.

He smirked a smirk James and Sirius would be proud of (and hid in a huddle of Ravenclaws all the way down, terrified of discovery.)

xxx

The seventh year boys wandered through the Hogsmeade branch of Quality Quidditch Supplies. They stopped in front of a display case housing a gorgeous broom. Remus walked into Matthew as he stopped to gawp at it.

"My dad's just bought one of these. Brand new make, 'The Comet.' 0-80 in ten seconds, mahogany handle, spell resistant polish and a built in unbreakable braking charm. Fastest broom on the market." He gazed at it. "That is a thing of beauty men."

Archie scoffed. "Your dad already has a shooting star, only two years old, why does he need a brand new one?"

Remus and Matthew looked at him like he was mad. "Have you eyes?" Wood asked while Remus stroked the glass.

Oh, how he would love a broom, especially a big, fast one. No one messed with you if you were on a big, fast broom. He had a sudden image of himself whizzing through the air on 'The Comet' looking devilishly handsome and rugged, as woman swooned and dark haired gentlemen drooled...

He was brought sharply back down to earth when someone flicked his ear. "Aagh!" He clutched said ear. He was being smirked at.

He tried to look offhand whilst still holding his ear. "Can't a man indulge in a fantasy or two without fear of assault?" He said in an affected voice.

"Depends who's in it. Hurhurhur." Archie punched his arm. Remus was prepared this time and gave a hearty laugh with much head bobbing before turned his head, screwing up his face and swearing in pain.

He turned back round to find Matthew looking at him with amusement. Worried his cover had been blown he said "I'll tell you this,_ I_ don't need to compensate for anything with big, fast brooms." He puffed out his chest while Matthew laughed.

xxx

His previous statement however, did not quite explain why he then felt the need to buy the biggest quill he could find/afford in Quigley's Finest Quills.

"So you wouldn't class this as overcompensating then Remus?" Matthew raised an eyebrow at him.

Remus shook his head. "This?" He stuck the quill out the top of his rucksack, "This is _advertising_."

Matthew roared with laughter and clapped him on his rucksack clad back, making him stumble slightly.

They walked back up to the castle in high spirits. But as they crossed the grounds a shout rent the air.

"LUPIN!"

They looked over to see Professor Kettleburn standing beside a collection of collapsible tables. Remus felt as if he had been doused in icy water and stopped short.

"What's he want Remus?" Matthew enquired.

"Er, nothing, erm, go on without me."

He hung his head and trudged over to the angry teacher.

"And where, may I ask have you been Mr. Lupin?" He asked dangerously.

Remus was suddenly aware that his ridiculously over-sized new quill was still sticking out the top of his bag, with it's label still on no doubt. He sucked in his breath, ready to throw out a Marauder-worthy excuse but then puffed out his cheeks and let the air out slowly. He made a good hamster.

"Hogsmeade Sir."

"Of what vital importance was this trip that you saw fit to miss my lesson?"

"I needed a new quill Sir."

Professor Kettleburn looked stunned at such insubordination and his eyes glowed fiercely.

"Well then Lupin you can christen your new quill with detention tomorrow evening. And 30 points from Gryffindor. I expect this from Black and Potter but you! Get out of my sight." He spat.

He seemed to blossom with rage when Remus didn't move, merely wringing his hands.

"Actually Professor I already have detention with Professor McGonagall for the next two weeks."

The teacher's eyes widened. "Well then you may add this one on to the end of those Mr. Lupin, I will not have truancy."

Remus hung his head "Yes Professor." He turned and walked slowly back to the castle.

When Remus reached the entrance hall he could hear that lunch had not yet finished. He walked in and over to the Gryffindor table, following the sounds of his friends voices.

When he reached them he plonked himself down next to Peter, looking like a man facing a month of full moons.

"Where the hell were you just now?" James enquired from the middle of the largest bowl of ice-cream the world has ever known.

Remus hesitated. For some reason he felt guilty about his excursion to Hogsmeade without his friends. It wasn't really a big deal but he didn't want them finding out all the same. "I went up to the library during break to check out something for Runes and I must have dropped off, I didn't wake up till ten minutes before the end of class."

"Why did you fall asleep, you shouldn't be tired now." Sirius looked at him suspiciously; the full moon was two weeks away.

Remus flushed and avoided his eyes. Sirius didn't know legilimency but sometimes Remus could swear he could read his mind.

What if knew where he had really been, what if he knew he'd arranged to play quidditch instead of going out with him, Merlin what if he knew that he'd been checking out Zardia Beech's arse on the way back earlier?

"I didn't sleep very well last night is all. But Kettleburn has given me detention, to be served _after_ the two weeks from McGonagall is up (he scowled around at them) and taken 30 points off me." He sighed and looked the picture of dejection.

"Aagh! Pads are you _rubbing_ my _leg_? Peter gasped in horror.

Sirius sat up straight in his seat "Ah sorry Wormtail, I thought it was my leg, I was trying to scratch it." He gave it a good scratch now to show the necessity of it, stretching his neck out as his canine alter-ego might.

Peter looked at him like he was mad and shifted himself slightly farther out of reach of Sirius.

Remus watched all this and gave Sirius a quick smile.

Sirius looked at him then burst out laughing.

Remus looked at him screwing his face up like a prune, going bright red and snorting with laughter and felt incredibly guilty for lying, for ditching him, for checking out someone else's arse when he _knew_ he couldn't ask for a better one.

He turned round in his seat to find the Hufflepuffs and tell them he couldn't come out to play tomorrow.

As he scanned the table Mulciber walked past him and sneered. Remus pulled back slightly, the last time Mulciber had sneered at him like that he'd been dangling him in a dungeon and advancing on him, malice in his eyes.

He glared back at him and straightened his back. Sirius would cope. Right now Remus had something to prove.

He reached down and produced his oversized quill and with a flourish laid it down on the table in front of him, smirking down at it as he dragged a huge piece of rare steak onto his plate.

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Reviewers get to tickle a Marauder of their choosing with Moony's enormous quill. And then get punished for it.


	6. 5: Choose Your Balls Wisely

A/N Hello everyone! There is no excuse for this fics' hiatus, just me being rubbish...for three years... However I sit (sort of) before you now and solemly swear this fic will be completed! I have outlines for all the future chapters, they just need fleshing out and if I start being ridiculous again you have my permission to hound me.

To begin making amends here is an epic chapter and please note the rating has gone up.

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Twenty four hours later Remus still hadn't plucked up the courage to tell Sirius he was cancelling their trip to Hogsmeade.

He wasn't quite sure why he was so scared of doing it, Sirius often had to cancel plans for detention and, well usually detention.

Maybe that was the point, Remus was actively choosing to be somewhere else with someone else and he felt guilty as sin about it. He was sorely tempted to find Wood and tell him he wouldn't be joining them but then the little voice in his head, the one that had been growing the last couple of days asked 'why shouldn't he go have fun on his own? Sirius didn't own him. If it weren't for Sirius they could have gone to town any time, instead of being stuck in detention. No it said, stick to your guns, be a man about it.

That is why he found himself skulking around the corridors in a most suspicious fashion during lunch hour until he was faced with the inevitable, Charms with Sirius, James, Peter _and_ Sirius.

He rolled himself along the wall towards the classroom, hoping it might fall on him and kill him. He sighed pitifully, no such luck. No one took any notice of him, in his preoccupation that morning he had totally forgot to rough himself up and was back to looking like a rather shabby choir boy.

His empty stomach growled angrily at him and compiled a letter to his brain about the mistreatment it suffered at the hands of its boss. Remus Lupin, brave soldier, walked on.

When he got to the classroom door he wound his head around the frame to see if his friends were there yet. Typical, they were. What sort of troublemakers were they, being at class on time? He frowned at their neglect of duties and allowed the rest of his body to follow his head.

He walked up the rows and plonked himself down next to Peter, not meeting the others twos' eyes.

But this was not good enough, James Potter was Head Boy. And as Head Boy he demanded answers.

"How the fuck are you even alive right now Moony, you missed lunch and only had toast for breakfast? Would you like us to get you a tapeworm for encouragement?"

Remus considered this for a second. "No thanks." He answered. He should probably turn round to answer James, it was polite to look at someone when you spoke to them, but what if those blasted silver eyes were waiting, ready to bore into him, make him lose his train of thought?

He directed his eyes downward and turned his head, until he was directly in front of James and snapped his eyes up. And locked onto a pair of big silver ones. He yelped.

"Gah! Your eyes are everywhere! Why must you plague me so?"

Sirius raised an eyebrow at him and looked round at James, who pulled back from Remus slightly, coming to the conclusion he was clearly rabid.

"Moony, the lack of food has made you unbalanced. Here's a chocolate bar, eat it up and you'll feel right as rain, there's a good chap." Sirius wafted the bar under Remus' nose and patted him on the head.

Remus frowned at it and pushed the chocolate back at him. "Ugh, no, you know I don't like chocolate. And don't pat me on the head, you make me feel like a two year old."

Sirius shrugged and opened the chocolate himself, offering James a piece.

Remus watched him for a moment and scratched the back of his head nervously. "Actually Pads I need a word with you."

He jumped back as Peter's head appeared, nearly in his lap as he leaned over him to speak to them all. "Padfoot if you're going to let Moony see your transfiguration essay I want in as well, I can't make head nor tail of this vegetable into mineral stuff."

Sirius looked surprised, "I thought you'd finished that essay Moony?"

Remus' eyes flicked around the room. "I did yeah, um, it's about...something else." He finished lamely.

Sirius had a sparkle in his eye as he regarded the werewolf. "Ahh, ok then." He ran his eyes up and down Remus' body with a big grin on his face. Whatever sick fantasy he was indulging in however was interrupted when Peter's head once again appeared in Remus' lap and demanded he 'share the chocolate you wanker.'

xxx

"Sirius, I need to talk to you." Remus pulled Sirius to the side as they all filed out at the end of class.

"So you said." He answered in a low, rumbling voice that always made Remus' mind falter slightly in whatever it was doing.

"Er. Errrrrrm, in here." He dragged into a cupboard and locked the door behind them with his wand.

No sooner had he turned around when he felt arms encircle him and his body was pulled against another as they lined up like a jigsaw puzzle. "Sirius wait I-neurg" He pulled back as Sirius tried to kiss him in the darkness and missed, instead plunging his nose into Remus' ear.

Sirius pulled back sniffing outward forcefully. "Diversionary tactics eh Mooooony?" He ran his finger up Remus' throat and along the jaw until he reached the mouth, having located his target he leaned in again.

Sensing him so close Remus turned his face to the side getting him another earful of nose.

"Look Sirius I need to talk to you for a second, stop it."

"Shcock wok?" Sirius replied around Remus' earlobe which he was gently holding in his teeth and running his tongue over.

"I, mmmm" Remus was cut off mid sentence as the sensations trickled down his body and he tilted his head back.

He fell back against the door as Sirius continued his ministrations and snaked a hand under Sirius' shirt to feel the smooth, warm skin beneath it. He felt Sirius rub himself against his own growing erection and jerked backwards cracking his head against the hardwood door.

Now he was seeing stars and not the kind he wanted. "Merlin, bugger me." He winced as he rubbed his sore head.

"Not enough time you filthy beast, unless you wanna skip-"

"No shut up you fool I didn't mean that." Sirius was back to laying kisses up his throat.

"Ok. So. A quick. Fix" He said in between kisses. Remus pushed him away.

"The moments gone, Sirius. And besides I came in here for a reason."

"Not yet you didn't."

Remus was very glad it was dark and Sirius couldn't see his smile. "Now who's filthy?"

"Just say the word and I'll show you just how disgusting I can be." Remus ran his hand through Sirius' hair and tilted his head down to kiss him gently.

"No hear me out first."

Sirius reluctantly pulled away and settled somewhere in the depths of the cupboard.

"You know we were going into town tonight?"

"Ye-es."

"Well, I kind of said I would..." He faltered mid sentence. 'Now is the time Remus!' He told himself, 'state your independence, become your own man!' "...." He took a deep breath and nearly passed out at his own daring.

"What? Is that all? Can't you do that tomorrow or something? Come on Moons we haven't been out for ages. A couple of drinks, a bite to eat...a quick fumble under the stars. Are you honestly telling me you'd prefer throwing those balls around to mine?"

Remus couldn't help rolling his eyes, although to be honest it was very tempting.

"Neugh, I kinda promised Pads, they er, needed an extra person. I'm really sorry, we'll definitely go later in the week yeah? I'm sure you can wait another day to get wasted, we would only have had a couple of hours anyway, detention remember?" His tone held a slight accusatory note in it as he reminded Sirius of why they were short on time. "And McGonagall would fry your balls if you turned up pissed."

"It's true she is desperate to get her hands on them." Sirius replied thoughtfully. Remus thought he could hear him scratching his chin in the darkness.

The guilty feeling that seemed to have taken up residence in his stomach gave a throb. He felt he should make amends. But how?

…This is Sirius we're talking about…

"Well tough." Remus said moving carefully towards him, hoping to God he didn't fall over a broom and completely ruin his seduction. "Because I have the exclusive rights to Sirius Black's appendages and I'm an only child." He stumbled over Sirius' foot in the dark. Aha! He knew where he was at least. Groping blindly he stuck a finger up a nostril and in an eye socket, wincing when Sirius yelped in response.

"And we don't share you know." He finished in a voice that was not so much smooth as congealing.

He could feel Sirius rubbing his eye. "Sorry Pads, you know I'm crap at seductive." He took the hand and kissed it. "Let me make it up to you. All of it."

He kissed him fully on the lips, thanking Merlin he at least found them first time. As his tongue massaged Sirius' his hands slid down to undo the fly of Sirius' trousers.

"Can you forgive me?" Remus asked in a low voice, slipping his hand inside.

"Mmmmm."

He gave Sirius one last kiss then slid down his body till he was on his knees. He looked up and could just about see the glint of grey eyes above him, he was sad he couldn't see more. Then he pulled down the waistband of Sirius' boxers and lowered his mouth onto the rigid shaft.

The moan Sirius sent up and the cry of his name as he came assured Remus he had indeed been forgiven.

xxx

James and Sirius still had over two hours to kill before Sirius' detention and were in search of trouble.

Actually no, they were in search of Peter who had mysteriously disappeared again because once they found him they could cook up some mischief.

They were making the most of not having Remus around to make them feel guilty as he was off _playing quidditch without them_ according to Sirius who was frankly still disgusted even if he had got an unexpected blow out of it.

"This is stupid, by the time we find him it's going to be too late to do anything." Sirius moaned as he emerged from an enormous urn featuring scenes of an ancient Olympic games.

James put a hand on the urn to steady it, accidentally sending a racing chariot careering into its opponent. He gave an apologetic wince at the sound of the resultant crash.

"Let's go and heckle Moony with his new friends, seeing as he's too cool for us now." Sirius said, watching James being threatened by little painted fists.

"I thought we were going to make use of Moony not being with us and cause some gentle mayhem?" Head boys really shouldn't go for all out chaos.

Sirius shrugged. "And all we've done is play a game of extended hide-and-seek with an oblivious rodent. Merlin only knows where he is _or_ why he took the map"

"Creating mayhem and filth no doubt." James grinned. "I do hope it's both."

"But I think we should leave Moony be Pads. He can hang out with other people of he wants to. Its good he's finally starting to make some new friends."

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Friends like Wood and MacMillan? Which would have nothing to do with his sudden desire to re-invent himself as a macho macho man? Moony has plenty of other friends Prongs." He snorted suddenly. "They're all girls."

James shook his head. "Hmm, maybe. Best let him get on with it anyway, you know what he's like when he gets a bee in his bonnet." He swished his wand and a passing fourth year's laces began to tie themselves together. Then he remembered he was Responsible now and muttered the counter-charm sadly.

"Beats me why he's bothering in the first place. He's never cared before."

The fourth year's friend stumbled and fell to the floor with a cry. Sirius smirked.

James gave him a sidelong glance for a moment and started to speak before thinking better of it and turning his head away.

"What? Prongs, what?"

"Well, don't bite my head off but maybe it's got something to do with the two of you." Sirius looked more surprised than annoyed so James plunged on.

"It just be because you're louder or whatever, but you do come across as the more dominant partner and you do have something of a mania for protecting him nowadays." James had always wondered if it was guilt over The Incident or simply a natural progression once they became an item.

"Are you suggesting that I emasculate Moony?" Sirius' eyes were blazing. "I'll have you know I'm a good…other-half." He lowered his voice. "I'm attentive to his wishes and needs, take him out, apologize when I fuck up."

"With chocolates and flowers?" James' tone had only the merest suggestion of amusement.

"He doesn't like chocolate." Sirius said through gritted teeth. James did NOT need to know he _had_ once bought Remus flowers after Remus displayed disgust when he'd set Snape's hair alight. (He honestly didn't think it would catch with all that grease. It was just an experiment, he had yelled whilst dodging petal-bullets.)

In hindsight perhaps it had been a little humiliating for the guy. But he meant well! Hell, he wasn't used to going out with a bloke either, there were bound to be mistakes!

James assumed smugface which pissed Sirius off even more.

"If Moony has a problem with me he knows he can come right out and tell me. I'm bloody good to him!" He stalked off, throwing sparks at the portrait of a sour-faced puritan wizard who lost his hat dodging.

James looked sceptical for a second before running to catch up. "So where are we going then?"

"The grounds, to piss Moony off."

The puritan flapped around his hat, trying to put the flames out.

xxx

Remus was not enjoying himself. These guys idea of 'a throw around' seemed to be some bizarre form of airborne rugby, where one of them took possession and the others would shoot towards said individual and try and knock them out the sky.

The first time he'd had three bodies barrel into him he was so shocked he'd let out a yelp of surprise before spinning across the sky with limbs flailing like a distraught spider.

Everyone had roared with laughter and it wasn't until Matt Wood had caught him and set him straight he managed to regain some dignity.

"Sorry Remus" Wood said over Remus' panting, "should have warned you, we play a bit rougher than league quidditch, it's more fun. If you see them heading for you charge them down, that's what I do, most of them get out of the way."

"Yeah, that's 'cos you're twice the size of most of us." Debbie Abbot laughed as she swooshed by. That's right, girls played this suicidal air dance too.

"Don't listen to him Remus, skinny guy like you is probably best diving out the way at the last second, that's what_ I_ do."

She was trying to make him feel better Remus thought miserably, he had seen her smash into four of the Hufflepuff quidditch team and still come out the other side clutching the quaffle.

He couldn't have that, he came here to prove himself, as one of the lads. Not to be outmatched by girls and younger students! The next time he took possession he shot towards the oncoming mass of bodies, riding high on his own recklessness and daring. The wind rushed in his face making his eyes water and he bared his teeth at his adversaries. Look at the fear in their eyes! What a menacing sight he must be! What- CRUNCH.

Half an hour, a broken nose, black eye and innumerable bruises later Remus wanted to crawl under his duvet and die. He was even willing to compromise, the duvet wasn't obligatory. What was he thinking? There must be easier, safer ways to be reckless and daring than this.

He gave the fourth year Terence Proudfoot an embittered scowl as the boy shouldered his way through the scrum, then gasped as moving his face hurt like hell. He was actually holding up remarkably well considering his injuries. He was no stranger to pain after all. His endurance had been commented upon, a shining moment in an otherwise hail of misery.

But however used to pain he may be, that didn't mean he enjoyed it and it was starting to get to him. He was just thinking he should suddenly remember his detention actually started an hour earlier when the ball whistled his way again.

He caught it automatically, the weight in his arms equalling the weight that had just settled in his stomach. Sure enough he turned to see several dark blurs hurtling towards him. Without thinking he turned his back on them and hunched up clutching the quaffle.

The force with which they hit him was immense and for a moment he thought they had propelled his broom forward several meters. That is, until he opened his eyes, looked down and saw no broom.

They had pitched him clean off the front of his broom! For a split second he seemed to be frozen in mid-air cartoon-style. Then terror hit him like a bolt of lightning and he began to plummet towards the earth.

Through the fog of pain he could hear _laughter_, very _familiar_ laughter echoing around the grounds. Someone was delighting in his misfortune. He opened his eyes; that hurt more than his broken body.

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A/N I'd love to hear what you thought and it would be great to see if anyone is still following this fic! To all new readers thanks for reading!


	7. 6: Cold Comfort

Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter! It was muchly much appreciated! This chapter would have been up sooner but I was busy meeting David Tennant last weekend...:D

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It took Madame Pomfrey all of twenty minutes to get Remus mended and shipshape for his detention although the way he gingerly opened McGonagall's door and kept holding his head in his hands suggested to Sirius he was still rather sore.

He hadn't meant to laugh at Remus, of course he hadn't. He'd meant to rush over and catch him before he fell, make him all better and kiss his face off or hump him, or something along those lines. But there was something so purely hilarious about the way Remus had flown through the sky, legs clamped around thin air that he couldn't help himself. And when realisation hit the poor boy and he started flapping his arms, well, Sirius knew he ought to feel very ashamed. He _did_ feel very ashamed. It wasn't like it had anything to do with how peeved he had felt at being ditched.

None of it mattered anyway because Remus sure as hell wasn't talking to him.

xxx

Remus was so incensed he was almost quivering with rage. He kept jerking in irritation and splashing himself with the water he was using to clean up McGonagall's classroom. The sixth years had been trying to turn doves into duvets but the process had clearly made the birds nervous, the evidence for which the three of them were now cleaning up. Peter had been sitting calmly waiting for them when they stomped into the classroom. His smile had vanished with one look at Remus' face.

His hurt at Sirius' glee had given way to anger around the time his nose was being re-set. The click of bones flicked a switch in his mind and he had sat silently seething until Madame Pomfrey had finished with him and told him he could go. As he had walked out Sirius, who had so thoughtfully followed him to the hospital wing still trying not to burst into gales of laughter, started making his earnest apologies.

He was _sorry_, he didn't know what came over him, would Moony forgive him, his Moony?

Moony had not forgiven him. Instead he had turned to face him and said in no uncertain terms that Sirius was a thoughtless bastard and he wanted nothing more to do with him.

Unfortunately they then had to walk to detention together.

Cleaning bird shit off McGonagall's walls had done little to improve his mood and made it very difficult to ignore Sirius as they were in such close proximity. When Peter has slipped and fell on a particularly sloppy excretion their eyes had met for a second in shared amusement before Remus remembered and spun round to continue scrubbing.

Two hours later Remus was exhausted and aching all over. As the three of them trudged out the room Sirius gently put a hand on his back and murmured his name. Remus knew from past experience that fatigue weakened his resolve and he dodged away from the touch. "Get away from me." He snarled and hurried away down the corridor.

xxx

He decided he couldn't face the common room just yet and went down to the lake. It was very chilly now night had fallen and he wished he had thought to wear his cloak. But then he reasoned that real men didn't feel the cold. They ate the cold for breakfast. He nodded at his resolute spirit and continued on his way.

He wandered around the edge of the lake some way before flopping onto the ground near the water and began throwing rocks in. His original intent being to skim them but his mood dictated he must try and achieve the biggest splash possible.

He had not been there long when he saw a shadow approaching. It came closer and as it got to within a meter of him he finally realised it was Lily, bundled up in a coat, hat, scarf and gloves. Without saying a word she sat down next to him.

They sat in silence for a minute before she pulled away her scarf from her face slightly. "I understand you and Sirius have fallen out."

"No offence Lils but it's none of your business."

"I'm head girl, everything's my business and besides, Sirius is taking it out on first years. What's going on?"

"He doesn't give a damn about anyone or anything and I'm sick of it." He said, bowing his head to the bitter wind.

"Oh" was all Lily had to say to that.

Remus sighed and continued. "I got the stuffing knocked out of me today and all he did was laugh."

"Why? Who hurt you?" Lily demanded in a voice surprisingly reminiscent of Sirius.

"It wasn't anything like that," he said quickly. "It was just messing about playing quidditch, but still, he of all people should have shown some concern."

"Why him of all people?" Lily asked, puzzled. "And did he not even take you to the hospital wing?"

Remus reminded himself that Sirius was merely his friend who had no reason to show any more concern than James or Pete, who ironically had shown more.

"Er, because he's my friend." He answered quickly. "James took me up, Sirius merely followed." He felt a breeze slice into his neck above his collar.

"I'm sure if you had been seriously hurt he wouldn't have laughed Remus. It's just quidditch, isn't it? I cried laughing that time Marly got winded by that bludger."

"It was two broken bones and a black eye!" Remus protested, pointedly not thinking about all the times Sirius had cared for him after the full moon, doing anything he could to help and ease the pain. He never laughed then.

"And to top it all I then had to serve detention with him and Peter for something I hadn't even done! That table was nothing to do with me!"

"James said that was Sirius defending your honour." Remus could definitely hear the trace of a laugh in her voice. "I expect _that's_ his way of showing he cares, he's just got it a bit backwards."

"I'd rather he showed he cared differently." Remus muttered, thinking longingly of kisses, caresses and whispered words. He caught himself and faced the wind again. "He needs to learn to let people deal with their own problems and stop trying to rescue everyone."

"Not everyone, just you three. The rest of us can go to hell I think." This time she laughed outright.

Remus pondered this. It was true, Sirius' chivalry only extended so far. Sure if someone was in trouble he would help, so long as they weren't in Slytherin but he would do his bit and walk away, not really caring either way.

"Don't knock it Remus, it's good to know there's someone looking out for you." She smiled warmly at him. "And he does look out for you, even if most of the time he's a twat about it."

"I don't appreciate it. It's him looking out for me and things like that that caused Christine bloody Morely to say the things she did."

Lily looked confused for a second then her face lit up as she remembered the story her dorm mates had told her. She giggled. Remus looked at her with disgust. "Oh Remus don't be silly. You know she can be an idiot, just don't listen to her. Besides, who cares what she thinks?"

"You're right." He said, not sounding too convinced. He knew shouldn't care, but he did.

He was brought sharply back down to earth when his chattering teeth bit his tongue. He yelped in pain and clutched his mouth.

"Remus! Are you ok, what's wrong? Oh my goodness you're frozen! Where's your cloak?"

He tried to explain that he didn't feel the cold (real men don't, you know) but he was shivering too hard to speak and his lips were numb.

"Come inside you daft thing, honestly I don't know what's got into you." Lily unwound her scarf and put it round his neck, bundling up his face and then pulled her woolly hat firmly over his ears. It wasn't as nice as his hat, it didn't have a bobble on the top. Then she was dragging his pitiful form inside.

The heat as he entered the entrance hall hit him so severely he gasped. Lily shook her head at him and ushered him towards Gryffindor tower, all the while muttering about 'stupid boys' and 'convinced they know best.' When they finally got inside the common room they parted, Lily yanking her hat off his still shivering form.

"You can give the scarf back to me tomorrow. Oh for goodness sake!" She rushed over to two first years who were trying desperately to reach their wands that were on the ceiling.

Remus looked up and saw a number of other objects dangling including books, quills, a shoe and "is that a pair of trousers?"

Lily cursed. "You boys sort yourselves out you hear me? I've got better things to do than going about rescuing renegade prefects and clearing up the fallout from Sirius Black's temper." She gave him a stern look and quick hug before making her way up her own staircase shaking her head still.

As he slowly trudged up the stairs Remus thought of slipping into bed with Sirius, who he was sure would quickly and effectively warm him up. But his pride reared its ugly head again and he resolved to save face and made his way to his own cold, lonely bed.

He tossed and turned for hours before finally falling into an uneasy sleep, never quite warming up. But as he drifted off one word flashed in his mind's eye - chivalry!

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Yeh, Moony's a bobble hat kinda guy, Sirius is more of a scarf connoisseur I reckon. Thoughts? Review? You know you want to!


	8. 7: Acts of Chivalry

Hello, sorry for the delay! I am without the internet at home and it makes uploading things rather difficult:s

Hope you enjoy my new installment of Moony mistreatment, poor poor Mooooony!

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Chivalry was the answer! Perhaps he had been overly optimistic regarding his chances of carving himself a niche in the 'skinny yet frightfully intimidating' market of the school social hierarchy. He had decided after many anguished hours of staring forlornly in the direction Sirius' bed that he was not a warrior.

What he was, was a gentleman. He had been told it many a time, admittedly mostly at the end of awkward dates where he'd been too scared to cop a feel.

He had also decided that sleeping in Kings Cross Station would be quieter than his dorm where Peter's snores mingled with Sirius' intermittent yelps and James' deranged _sleep giggles_.

But yes, a gentleman! Suave and courageous, that was him. He spat out his toothpaste and regarded himself in the mirror. He wetted his hands and smoothed down his hair. Why, was he imaging that striking resemblance to James Bond? He smirked, he thought not!

Ladies loved sophistication. He may not love the ladies but their awestruck attention was all he required. And what better way to get that attention than embarking upon a daring rescue of a distressed damsel?

He could see it now, a beautiful girl in the throes of a note-making frenzy, lustrous black hair tumbling from side to side when-gasp!-her quill breaks and he, Remus John Lupin is there in an instant presenting her with his own, massive quill…no, he needed to go bigger.  
Same girl caught in the clutches of an evil dark wizard intent on some dreadful violation while a storm rages overhead, the grey tempest reflected in her wide, terrified eyes until he, Remus John Lupin appears with a tremendous CRACK high overhead and brings down the power of the storm upon the dark wizards head, lightning shooting from his fingertips, thunder…nooo, too big, too big!

Ok the details may require some thought.

A brave and chivalrous rescue of a poor, tormented lady. An entire set up was a possibility, perhaps Lily would help him. But while the school may become convinced of his heroism that would do nothing to alleviate his own insecurities. Right now however he wasn't sure which was more important so he decided to dedicate some time later to worry about that.

He cast another approving glance at his new debonair exterior and spun on his heel away from the sink, humming the Bond theme. He strode along the back wall before wheeling round and shooting that super-smooth reflection right between the eyes. BANG!

He nodded once and blew the top of his toothbrush in an entirely satisfied manner, then dropped it and leapt a foot in the air.

"MOONY! What in the name of Merlin's left nipple are you doing?"

xxx

Breakfast was rarely a subdued affair. Of late, James had abandoned his usual repertoire of making food come to life (and stabbing its eater with forks before marching off with the plate or turning all the boiled eggs into unhatched live chicks which had turned the entire school vegan for a week) or feeding the Slytherins owls laxatives and turned his efforts to less destructive endeavours. Although yesterday's example of a fruit bowl transfigured into a mounted lions head that roared and lunged at any passing non-Gryffindor was of dubious merit.

Today by comparison was a little lacklustre. Remus hadn't noticed the other three pick up bananas on their way down the long house table, nor did James' whispered words and Peter's muttering of a familiar theme tune register until he had sat down and realised what a catastrophic mistake he had made.

James was in front of him, Sirius looming above and Peter at his side having rolled across the floor. Each held a perfectly transfigured toy gun in their hand pointed directly at his heart. At the same instant they fired and the little 'SNAP' echoed around the great hall. Then they shifted in one fluid motion, took their seats and began to eat without a word.

Remus raised an eyebrow and tried not to look amused. He resumed eating. This same act was performed twice more at random intervals followed by the three marauders continuing with their breakfast as if nothing had occurred. On mission four he groaned and smacked his head on the table. He decided this was preferable to looking at Sirius who he still hadn't decided whether to forgive or not and kept imagining in a tux.

He felt a smile tugging at the corners of his lips and had almost resigned himself to an epic and luscious make-up scene when his resolve was given a reprieve.

"Remus could I… are you ok?"

Remus bolted upright and spun round 180 degrees to come face to crotch with Matt Wood. He hastily raised his eyes hoping he wasn't turning red. "Hi." He leant back against the table and tried to imitate Sirius' arrogant pureblood lounge that always make him look so totally fucking cool (at least in Remus' eyes) and tried to think of something else to say.

He failed and settled for a hopefully winning smile. Wood observed all this with slightly puzzled look then cast his eyes across the table.

"Erm, could I have a word? And do you know your elbow is in your plate?"

Remus cursed and withdrew the offending elbow to inspect it. Yes, that was ketchup. He sighed before muttering a cleaning charm and waving his wand over the affected area.

"Sorry about that." He said, rolling his eyes at his own foolishness while fighting the urge to crawl under the table in shame and got up to follow Wood.

"Where are you going?" Sirius wanted answers.

Wood scowled, "I want a word with him Black, I'd have asked your permission but it's none of your damn business."

Remus' eyes widened while Sirius looked as if he'd just sniffed up a lemon, he did not, however reply. Remus timidly followed Wood out the hall not daring to look back.

Once outside the hall Wood stopped. "How are you after yesterday? He asked.

"Oh, erm, I'm fine. Thank you for asking." Remus was surprised and touched that Wood had thought to ask. In truth with everything that had happened since the game he had almost forgotten he'd been hurt in the first place. "Madame Pomfrey is brilliant at sorting out stuff like that, I was out in a jiffy."

Wood sighed with relief. "Good, I kept thinking what if you had been maimed for life and it was my fault? And it's wasn't like your friends were being much help." He cast a dark look back at the great hall then burst out, "What the hell was Black's problem?"

Despite everything, Remus felt a flutter of irritation at someone speaking about Sirius like that. But he reminded himself that Wood was just being kind and he himself had been incredibly angry at Sirius for the same reason.

"He knew I wasn't too badly hurt. Plus he knows me so well he could fully appreciate how foolish I looked up there." A sudden thought occurred to him. 'And I had just stood him up to play ball with a bunch of strangers.' He did not voice this however.

"I should have realised it wasn't really your thing. I'm sorry Remus."

Remus wasn't quite sure if he should feel embarrassed or not, although Wood's tone wasn't condescending in any way. Still, was it that obvious how bad he had been?

"There's no need to be sorry. I could have left at any time." He paused and marshalled his courage.

"Was I really that bad?" He hadn't meant to wince as he asked.

Wood laughed, "No, you looked like you were having the time of your life! Don't beat yourself up about it mate, it's certainly not for everyone. However I may still pick your brain over the odds from time to time."

Remus smiled feeling strangely comforted. "Sure, although I may demand a portion of any winnings."

Wood grinned. "We may have to negotiate on that." A group of seventh year Hufflepuffs came out the hall and Wood nodded to them. "Gotta go, catch you later Lupin." And he strode off up the stairs.

xxx

Sirius had not been impressed when the other three caught up with Remus on the way to Herbology. Even James and Peter were annoyed on his behalf.

Remus attempted to soothe them by explaining Wood's reasons and even made attempts to slide towards Sirius in a gesture of tentative reconciliation. By this point however, Sirius was deep in conversation with the _Liana Exaudus_, a rare Amazonian vine to which he had become rather attached and was oblivious to Remus' advances.

He spent the rest of the lesson trying to think of ways he could heroically rescue someone (he had decided limiting his rescuing abilities to damsels was unnecessary and rather old-fashioned) whilst having a micro-battle with the watercress Professor Sprout had herself 'rescued' from an elderly aunt. The little stems took exception to being watered and kept spitting the liquid back in his face.

He was once again considering asking Lily's help as he walked towards the greenhouse door. Next moment he found himself sprawled, face down on the floor in a rather flat star-jump. Angrily he looked around for the culprit and saw the damned _Liana Exaudus _slithering back to its host tree in a very satisfied manner.

Right. After he had wowed and astounded with his incredible feats of bravery he was sorting this out with Sirius!

Peter picked up his bag for him as he got to his feet. "I think dear _Liana_ was making it clear where its allegiances lie."

"Only Sirius could inspire such devotion from vegetation with no cognitive ability." He grumbled.

Peter laughed, "Come on, or we'll be late for McGonagall. Assault by plant-life probably doesn't qualify as an excuse for her."

Remus looked out across the lake as they made their way around the castle. As he watched Zardia Beech came into view from behind the trees and rocks sprinkled around the lake shore riding a chestnut horse moving towards the water. He saw Peter looking appreciatively over as well.

"Oof, Zardia, I would." Peter said smirking. "Fine arse that one."

"Hmm" Said Remus, not really listening. There was something odd about that horse. He considered himself as something of an expert on magical creatures. His research into his own affliction had led to a particular interest in creatures of all varieties and every instinct told him this one didn't look like it should.

Then it hit him. That brown mane, going towards the water, a HORSE. "Peter! That's not a horse, it's a _kelpie_!"

He dropped his bag and pelted across the grounds towards the oblivious sixth year girl. Behind, Peter shouted for him to wait but he paid no attention. Maybe it was because his mind was so full of damsels and brave deeds but the only though in his head was '_I must rescue her_' before the kelpie leapt into the lake and pulled her down with it to devour her lovely flesh in the murky depths.

As he neared the shore he rounded behind a large rock and saw the kelpie bend its' head, no doubt pretending to drink from the lake before commencing its' attack.

It was now or never.

He hoisted himself onto the rock, wiggled into a half-crouch and jumped.

As he soared over the beasts back he caught Zardia round the middle and tackled her to the ground, coming to land in the shallows.

Remus was vaguely aware of the creature bolting as he clung to his fair maiden breathing very deeply.

Then a whole group of people were rushing towards them. Leading the way was Eric Bassett, Zardia's boyfriend. He didn't look as relieved as Remus would have expected. In fact he was undulating with rage.

He glanced down at Zardia, whom he was still holding very tightly, hands clamped firmly over her…uh-oh.

"Um." He managed before everything went black.

* * *

A/N Reviews make my day (and may encourage quicker updates:o) so stop round and tell me what you think, how your days been, how you would like to be chivalrously rescued by our beloved hero. Bazinga.


	9. 8: Violation!

I apologize, it's been a while. Things have been manic. I am however planning to finish this over Christmas. I can't wait, it's like having an extra essay niggling away at the back of my mind!

Thank you for your reviews they are all lovely and very, very welcome!

* * *

Remus was having a very strange dream. He was in a top secret experimentation facility and tied to a bed. A whole host of faceless strangers were prodding and poking him in ways he wasn't altogether comfortable with whilst hissing at him.

Then the strangers disappeared to be replaced by a hulking black shadow which loomed over him threateningly and began humping his leg.

"SIRIUS!"

The humping stopped. Remus looked up to see Sirius' face supporting a very wicked grin.

"How could you- you promised you wouldn't-again." His brain wasn't quite hooked up to his mouth yet.

Sirius adopted a look of deep regret that didn't convince Remus for a second. "Oh Mooooony. Forgive me, I tried everything but you wouldn't wake up and I so desperately wanted to look into those beautiful pools of molten gold and drown in the ecstasy of your touch." He shot a look at Remus, whose mouth had started twitching.

"Besides," he lowered his voice "didn't you appreciate me violating your leg?"

"I'll violate _you_ in a minute!" He jerked his head in emphasis and discovered it was quite painful. He 'ouched' and put a hand to his forehead.

"Don't move too much, you're bound to have a headache for a bit."

"Why? Pads what's happened? I, am I in the hospital wing?" He asked looking round.

"Yep, for a change. Don't you remember what happened?" Sirius was still sitting on top of him, looking slightly concerned.

"I remember saving Zardia from the kelpie and then…what?" Sirius looked like he was trying very hard not to laugh.

"Er, it wasn't a kelpie Moony. It was an Aethonan, the sixth years had been practicing their disillusionment charms. Apparently Kettleburn let Beech take hers for a ride as a reward for her successful charm."

Remus groaned. He had sensed the altered perception but misread the charm. Not a kelpie at all, just a stupid winged horse.

Then he groaned again. "Eric came over and saw I was feeling her, umm, he knocked me out didn't he?"

Sirius didn't laugh this time which surprised him. He gave the bed to the left of Remus a dark look.

"Yeah he did."

Remus did not look left. "And you knocked him out didn't you."

"…Yeah I did."

In that moment Remus forgot everything from the past few days, all the nonsense and mutual irritation and embarrassment. He was an idiot. Padfoot was an idiot. And Moony loved him very much.

He grabbed Sirius' tie, pulled his face down to his own and kissed him.

Some time later Sirius detached himself and pointed out they were in the hospital wing, next to an unconscious angry person and Pomfrey could return at any minute.

"Why so shy Pads? Where's your exhibitionist spirit?" He flashed a wicked grin of his own.

He shifted his weight and switched their places. Sirius gasped as Remus bent down and nipped playfully at his neck. "Moony! Are you going to violate me?"

"I am."

"Oh yes! Violate me Moony, violate me!" He laughed like a maniac and spread his arm and legs wide in a pathetic gesture of submission. Remus was ridiculously turned on.

Sirius began to whisper excitedly. "_He began to undo the buttons with long, dexterous fingers while hungrily kissing the neck of his dashing victim. He worried at the tender flesh while the victim arched beneath him growing harder as the sensations shot through his lithe young body like bolts of lightning. He moved down the now bare chest laying a trail of hot kisses until he reached a nipple. He took it in his sensuous mouth and the victim quivered with pleasure as the tongue circled_-"

"Sirius! How am I supposed to perform with you narrating everything I do back to me?"

"_He asked huskily. As his victim looked up at him, _shush Moony,_ desire overwhelmed him and he fought to release his own enormous manhood. _Shhh_! As he watched, the victim began touching himself, driving him wild, _come on Moony play along_. He_, ooh, that's it. _He spread the poor, handsome victim's legs and prepared to_- what was that?"

"Shit, get down!" Remus pushed him off the bed as the door to the ward opened.

"Ow, _again_?" Sirius looked outraged from his position on the floor for the second time that week.

"Ah Remus, you are awake." The matron came over to him but mercifully stayed on the other side of the bed from Sirius who hurriedly rolled underneath it. "How are you, any blurred vision, trouble with speech? Tell me your date of birth please. Yes, that's fine. Right I think you're ok to go. And try not to get into any more trouble than normal." She winked at him.

Remus smiled sweetly back, Madame Pomfrey could be stern but she had grown rather fond of her most prolific patient. Now how was he going to get Sirius out without her noticing?

Aha. "Actually, I was wondering if I could borrow your copy of 'Fifty Cures for Fifty Bites' again?"

"Certainly." She replied. "Let me just go and get it." She made her way the inner door of the ward.

The second she was out the door Sirius shot across the room, mouthed 'hurry up' and gave a single thrust against the door frame before slipping outside. Remus rolled his eyes and tried not to pant.

Three minutes and Forty Nine seconds later he joined Sirius in the corridor outside. They both dashed down the hall. "You've borrowed that before?" Sirius asked incredulously as they rounded a corner.

"Shut up."

"I saw that wink, perhaps I should have left to you to it?"

"Shut up."

They opened the door of the first disused classroom they came to and nipped inside, locking it magically behind them.

Remus turned round to find Sirius' face inches from his own. For a heartbeat they locked eyes before falling into each other's arms and kissing hungrily.

"We shouldn't stay here." Sirius said, eyes shining brightly with excitement. "We should go up to the secret room and put on suspenders, stilettos and corsets."

He stepped back and started unbuttoning his shirt again and for a wild moment Remus expected to see a corset hiding underneath.

"And lie in a massive four-poster. And you can put on gold hot pants and do press-ups and chin-ups, the snatch, clean and jerk." He let the shirt fall to the ground.

Remus cottoned on and went to him, unzipping his fly as he got there, never breaking eye contact. He pushed the trousers to the floor.

"I'll make you glisten and gleam from the sweat from your pores," He removed Remus' shirt and let his hands drift lower and around to pull his Moony against him, "as you work for your cause."

Remus smiled at him, taking in that beautiful face. "No."

He spun Sirius round, shoved him roughly against the wall and spat in his hand.

Suspenders just didn't do it for him.

xxx

The next day Remus was back in the library, skulking about for a seat. Everything was back to normal, or as normal as things tended to get at Hogwarts. He caught a book as it tried to commit hari kari out the window and handed it back to its alarmed third year.

He found a table and pressed study-mode. Out came the books, ridiculously large quill and red ink (he was feeling patriotic today). Then he set to.

Half an hour later he caught a whiff of a rather pungent perfume as a female person wafted by him. The person in question then had the gall to sit beside him. He looked up to give them a good scowling at such blatant disregard for the rules of personal space in study specific areas and came face to face with Zardia fricking Beech.

His eyes boggled out of his head for a moment before he regained his composure and started babbling at her. "I am so so sorry about yesterday, honest to Merlin's beard I am, I saw you, and a horse that was a kelpie then it wasn't and I thought I had to save you but I didn't and I really, really, _really_ didn't mean to grab your, erm, well your, you." He finished, looking stricken.

She just sat there, smiling at him. _Smiling, at him_. What was she playing at? Didn't she know what trouble she had caused? Remus felt a sudden urge to pull her hair but felt it may be considered inappropriate. Behind her dratted head the third year was clinging onto the flying book as it made another bid for freedom, pulling the unfortunate pupil across the floor in her chair, no doubt bloody Beech had upset it as she swept past regardless. Selfish bitch. She was _still smiling._

He tried to scrunch his face into some semblance of pleasantry but merely managed a twisted lip and a screwed up eye. An alarming sight if her new expression was anything to go by.

"It's Remus isn't it?" At least she had stopped smiling but now she was _talking_ to him. Shit. Shit shit shit. He nodded slowly.

"I wanted to say…are you ok, you look…disturbed." Playing that game are we, the lets be friends ploy? Oho! R. J. Lupin could see straight through her. She was clearly trying to lure him into another act of wanton stupidity again so her buff boyfriend could pound on him.

Calm down man! Don't let her win! That she-devil, that siren! He took a deep breath and relaxed his face.

"Hello there. I am Remus." Nicely done!

"Well, what I actually wanted to say was thanks. For yesterday I mean. I know it was a mistake and all but it was so good of you to try and help me. If it really had been a kelpie you would have saved my life."

Remus stared at her, just stared.

"It was really brave of you." Brave, did she say brave? He had been rather brave hadn't he and wasn't that the point of the exercise? Perhaps it hadn't been such a shambles after all and oh my she was rather close and was he touching his own hand, his own _leg_? He slid back in his chair.

"Eric didn't understand, he's such a lout. He's not like you, shy on the outside, fearless on the inside." She was inches away from him. He was as far back in his chair as he could go but she was still advancing. He gulped.

"I need a real man Remus, I need you." She closed the gap between them. He leant back to avoid her and felt the chair disappear beneath him. Instinctively he grabbed onto the closest thing for support, _her_. Right as she touched her lips to his.

His heart beat once as an ear-splitting bang echoed around the stacks.

Remus let go of Zardia in shock and hit the deck. He saw cold fury set into every line of Sirius Black's face before he turned and disappeared leaving behind nothing but a smoking hole in the table.

* * *

There had to be a serious cliffhanger really didn't there!

When I started writing this yeeears ago I was going to work in the Rocky Horror song 'I can make you a man' that this is named from but I can't for the life of me remember how I was going to do it. No doubt it involved Sirius actually in suspenders, but like Remus I've gone off the idea, so if you're just going to have to use your imaginations I'm afraid.


	10. 9: Weighed and Measured

Hello! Apologies for yet another delay but we are now in the home straight. This was originally part of the final chapter but it got rather long and I havent finished proofing the final bit yet so I thought I'd post the first half.

Get your angst faces on!

* * *

Sirius had no idea where he was going until he got to the dorm. He had barely registered the fact he was walking. All he knew was the thrumming in his ears and the ball of fire where his heart used to be.

As he walked in he heard Peters voice say his name. He bellowed "OUT" without looking round.

Peter said something else. Sirius reached him in two strides, gripped him by the scruff of the neck and hurled him through the open door with a roar.

He stood with his chest heaving and hands twisted in his hair for a minute. Then his rage took hold.

His knees hit the floor. He suddenly felt exhausted. He wanted to wail but his voice was hoarse.

Where was James? He needed James.

He staggered to his feet and moved slowly to the door. James would know what to do. He opened it and the face looked back at him.

"Sirius? Sirius please."

xxx

As he had sat outside the door to the dormitory listening to Sirius destroying their room amid screams of fury Remus had wondered if this was how his friends felt on full moons. A steady trickle of fear, not knowing what was happening on the other side but knowing it was terrible, punctuated by stabs of panic and then dread when everything went silent…

As the door opened he leapt up. He had to explain. Had to make him understand. But all he managed where those three sad little words.

For a split second Remus honestly thought that Sirius was going to kill him. Then the eyes narrowed and the manic glint dimmed. He took his chance.

"Sirius you were mistaken, I swear to you. What you saw...I never…that wasn't…it was her! I wouldn't do that, I _couldn't_ do that, not to you! Please Sirius, _please_, let me explain!"

Remus was terrified. He was shaking from head to foot and wringing his hands. He probably looked guilty as sin but he had to make Sirius see.

Sirius was rigid. His face was drawn with pain but the anger was still rolling off him in waves. It warned Remus to keep his distance.

"So," he said in barely more than a whisper, "explain."

Words tumbled out as Remus launched into the story of Zardia seeking him out and forcing herself on him. How he fell backwards getting away from her otherwise he would never, _never_ have held onto her like that. He told Sirius that he loved him over and over again and he could never want anyone else. And all the while Sirius stood as if carved from marble, cold and unmoving.

Finally Remus fell silent and gazed imploringly at the sculpted face.

It was a long while before Sirius spoke. When he did his voice was flint. "So this is all a big misunderstanding? You are, in fact, the victim here. Is that correct?"

Remus nodded, his tongue had swollen to twice its natural size.

"You weren't, for example, trying once again to prove your smouldering masculinity by seducing a beautiful girl? Another notch on your bedpost perhaps to boast about to Wood and MacMillan? Or were you simply collecting your prize for an act of such bravery and devotion?"

Every perfectly enunciated syllable was like a knife in Remus' heart. Sirius began to bear down on him as he spat the last few words.

How could he think those things? Didn't he understand?

"Sirius no." He spoke evenly, staring hard into the cold grey eyes, willing Sirius to believe him.

For an eternity they stood while the world existed around them. Then Sirius gave a bark of laughter.

"You take me for a fool? How dare you? If you really were a man you would admit your mistake and suffer the consequences. But have it your way, let your testosterone keep you warm at night. Take satisfaction in your sluts because you shall get none from me."

Then he was gone.

xxx

Some time later James came tentatively into the dorm surveying the scene of devastation, eyes wide and mouth open.

In the centre of it all sat Remus, head between his knees and hands tangled in his hair. He walked over to him and put a hand on his shoulder. "Moony, what's happened?"

Remus looked around, he had barely noticed the state of the room before but he did now and he was horrified.

Every breakable object was broken and every book was ripped to shreds. The floor was littered with shards of glass, scraps of paper, torn sheets and clothes and _water_. Lots of water. Had that been there before? He went to the bathroom and found two cracked sinks and a tap lying beneath three broken mirrors.

He re-entered the dormitory to find James examining the window, in particular the ash on the sill. The curtains were gone.

"Sirius walked in on me and Zardia Beech kissing." James went very still.

"But James I promise you from the bottom of my heart, she kissed me and I did not kiss her back, not even for a second." He explained again about the chair and gravitational issues. "But Sirius won't believe me and I don't know what else I can say!"

James surveyed him. His eyes weighed and measured whilst Remus waited to see if he had been found wanting.

"You've both been dicks lately." James said. "But I believe you."

Relief flooded through Remus, if he had James he was halfway there.

"Thank you James, thank you so much." He put his head back into his hands. "But how do I convince Sirius?"

"Perhaps you should consider why he doesn't believe you in the first place. Like I said, you've both behaved like dicks this week."

Then he turned and left, leaving Remus alone once more.

He thought about what James had said. He _had_ screwed around with Sirius this week, because he was so busy feeling misunderstood. He had bailed on him, ignored him, shouted at him, pushed him around. But Sirius had been cruel to him too, laughing at him, a lot, when he was in pain and when he was worried. Then fighting his battles for him like he couldn't take care of himself. Making him seem incapable to everyone! No wonder he had felt the need to prove himself!

But now it came down to it he couldn't bring himself to care. He had had a few pats on the back and thumbs up from passing students, although he wasn't sure if they were complimenting him on his rescue or his fantastically staged grope of Zardia's chest. Either way they made him cringe.

He had been happy before all this began, before Christine effing Morley had ruined everything. He had always told himself that as long as he had his friends he could face anything. More recently that had shifted to as long as he had Sirius he could face anything, because as sad as it sounded, there was nothing or no one more important to him. Sirius made him what he was today.

Remus had spent years hating himself for what he was and what it did to him. The Marauders had introduced him to the idea that he could be more, that he could be Remus as well as a werewolf. Gradually this belief was nurtured until he fully believed it himself. And then Sirius had come along and not only believed in him but loved him, all the parts of him. And rising above his own faults he had earned Remus' love and together they taught each other what that meant.

Sirius had made a boy out of a werewolf and a man out of a boy. And for that Remus loved him more than he could ever say.

He had to find him.

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A/N Thank you for reading, please review, it brightens my day:D And have a Happy Easter! x


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